We recently received this question from one of our readers:
“Hello Marie. My name is Sandra and it’s eight months I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend. Everything is going fairly well, but I still have doubts about the importance I hold in his life (…)
We engage in activities on a regular basis, but when I told him about projects or plans about how we can have a stronger relationship, he told me he is not ready. I admit being a little tired of waiting and I’m wondering if this is normal, or how long I should wait? What do you think? Is there a way to make him commit a little faster or does it mean that he is simply not interested in me at all? Thank you for your reply. Sandra. ”
Sandra, your question is very IMPORTANT.
When you hear a man say that he is “not ready” and that he prefers to “take his time” before getting engaged with you, what does that mean? This could have happened to you more than once, but first lets return to ALL stages of your relationship with a man.
At the beginning: you wait until he approaches you and he offers to take you out …
Later: you expect an exclusive relationship, or a minimum “serious”.
Then: you expect him to tell you that he loves you.
Finally, if all goes well, you want to keep him, and you expect that he proposes.
This of-course as expectations go … Especially when these expectations are most often accompanied by a feeling of helplessness and annoyance.
You know what?
Some women will wait the whole evening in front of their TV set,waiting for a man’s call. Others will wait for years in the hope that the ring will come to their finger…
These women wait in expectation and thus put their life on hold, but there is no WARRANTY that there will be a light at end of the tunnel (yes, because in terms of guarantees, most men are much less reassuring)
Worse. Unfortunately sometimes, your patience could be in vain and the relationship will eventually end in a breakup. In which case, there is no need to tell you that your wait will likely be followed by a deep regret and even bitterness from losing so much time …
At this point, you should probably ask yourself:
Why all these unpleasant moments and risks, while you’re just trying to make THE BEST?
Because worse than the waste of time is that to wait is actually COUNTER-PRODUCTIVE. In fact, the more a man sees his girlfriend expecting … the LESS he will want to commit.
How is this possible? Makes no sense?
The problem is not the waiting itself … The problem is that when you start waiting in expectation for a man, you may do so at the cost of the QUALITY of your OWN life.
Think for a moment:
While a woman continues to WAIT for a man, the only choice that she ultimately makes is NOT to choose. It’s still crazy, and by choosing this you give up your ability to CHOOSE! Because, let’s be realistic here:When you want to keep a man and you wait for him, you let HIM choose how YOUR life unfolds. You put YOUR fulfillment in His hands.
Sure, it can be a nice show of confidence, even love … But if his love is not as INTENSE as yours at this stage (which could well be the case, since he does not seem willing to move faster), is it not a bit risky, or even DANGEROUS? Of course yes. And looking at it critically, it is even a little UNFAIR for you.
Since your first relationship, you may have been accustomed to waiting. As if someone had taught you that a woman must be docile if she does not want her boyfriend to leave. We women are taught early that men need to “time” and “space.”
Now we would like you to consider another aspect: What’s happening in YOUR life during this waiting period?
Nothing much CONSTRUCTIVE!
You spend your time thinking about HIM.
You neglect your friends or your hobbies.
Of course, you also close your heart to other men …
The only thing you do at this point is that you WAIT.
Now, if you at least recognize some of these traits in yourself, we must tell you one thing:This is wrong.
This is wrong, because in-waiting your life is “paused” just for him …
Stop. You are not a VCR, take back the remote of your life!
The price of your waiting
Sandra, in view of your message, we would like you to ask yourself the following question:
“What does your behavior suggest, if you look at it from the point of view of a man? ”
“I do not have a high esteem. I have nothing better to do. My life has no much value without you … ”
And of course, if you do that, you will get the consequences of such a mindset IN FULL.
Your boyfriend will tend to interpret it as a lack of appreciation of yourself, and as a need born of insecurity …
You should understand: this is not really SEXY. And it is not how to keep a man interested in you.
When a woman waits after a man patiently, he gradually loses his attraction and interest in her.
Little by little, day after day.
Remember earlier when we referred to the famous idea that men need “time and space”?
Unfortunately in reality, giving time and space to a man and accepting to “wait patiently” will mean that he’ll have LESS interest in you.
(Careful here not to be confused with the time and space that a man needs to breathe and maintain his daily activities – we are talking about the time that you find yourself “stuck” waiting for a move from him)
You know the expression: “Give a hand, he will eat the arm …”
This does not necessarily mean that your boyfriend has bad intentions. Sometimes he will not even be aware: this is just the way human social dynamics work. You can easily guess (if you have not already experienced it) the VICIOUS CIRCLE it generates: Declining interest of your man will make it “take time” even more than before for him to commit. In the worst case scenario, he could even ignore you, which can sometimes lead to the breakdown of the relationship.
You should understand:
Waiting for the next step can sometimes instead of being a transition, be TOXIC to your relationship and its future.No kidding! We want you to avoid such mishaps.
So, if waiting too long is not the right attitude, you may be asking yourself (and rightly so) this question:
How long should i wait for him to commit? As we have seen, a relationship needs to survive, progress from one stage to the next.
But sometimes it happens that the relationship hangs on a given step, and you still do not see how to restart the 4L …
Beware of precipitation, however!
If your relationship has just stalled, there is no reason to worry too much … (after all, you do not worry if your car stops temporary at a red light) Your man is still there, he does not want to lose you. Worrying would be greatly premature.
However, you should be ABLE to leave. Why?
Because if instead of not having a choice, you are able to reach a mental state in which you are ABLE to leave … Then you have just DECIDED to become MASTER of your life. And when you feel sad or hurt by the man you want to keep, then you can step back and decide if you want to CHOOSE to stay or not. When staying with your man is no longer a hassle but a VOLUNTARY CHOICE, your frustration disappears. Instantly.
Being ABLE to leave, you change perspectives. You avoid negative emotions such as frustration and anger when you have a sense of CONTROL and well-being.
We’re here to mention a powerful concept, which may lead a number of our male friends to wince, who are bitching about how we have unveiled such a secret … Too bad, we will manage it with them! (After all, in the end, it’s for their own good as well) To understand how this approach is important, we want to share with you what we call the principle of EMOTIONAL FREEDOM.
(The name we have chosen is not an accident. Though the term is not listed as such in the books of psychology, this concept is in some ways in exact opposition to the syndrome of “emotional dependency” which unfortunately many people suffer from)
Under a relationship situation, this principle is expressed as follows:
“You are free to stay with a man from
the moment when you feel free to leave ”
Do you get the stuff?
The principle of EMOTIONAL FREEDOM is a key element of your development as a couple.
Because when you are ABLE to leave your man, you STOP putting your life on hold, and you are better able to KEEP him. Until this moment, you may have tended to wait for the man as long as HE wanted. Now, it is YOU who decides to stay as long as YOU want. The dynamics is now reversed … to your advantage!
There remains a thorny question: how can you give a REASONABLE time for your man decides, without giving the impression that you expect?
The answer is simple: you don’t sit down and wait in expectation. Never.
But then, if you are not expecting … How can you stay manage things with your boyfriend?
There is a way.
There is a way to communicate to a man that you want a serious relationship with him, leaving him time to get involved, and without having to wait.
It seems impossible, doesn’t it? However, it is not.
Because waiting is not really a matter of time … but rather a question of what you DO with your time. For many women “waiting” is putting their life on hold (as we have already mentioned above) But giving a man the time it takes for HIM to decide on what he wants in a relationship does not need that you put YOUR life on hold!
How do you stay with him without having to wait?
How do you handle the situation when a man needs more time?
First, a warning of something not to do: Especially, when you want to keep a man do not appear or LOOK busy or unavailable, or indifferent. Pretending is counter-productive and would produce the opposite effect of what you are looking for, i.e making him commit to you. Instead, make sure you are REALLY busy and unavailable! Take care to enjoy your day and your life.
Be sure to have FUN and have a good time … (because you’re worth it Go out at least with your friends or sometimes alone, just to make you happy. Doing your shopping, the Swedish gym, take painting classes …
– Your boyfriend will see that you have a life outside of him.
– You will benefit from an increased value in his eyes VALUE.
– In fact, it will evoke ENVY to your advantage.
He will see that if he does not hurry, you may meet another man and that he may lose you. Or, it may be that he is not interested. In which case, you have done well for making this realization quickly, but you are now also at the center of YOUR life. As a last resort, why not even socialize with other men, you may get to meet one that you like?
Let’s be clear:
If a man is not ready for a committed relationship, you may get no where trying to get him committed by being docile and waiting. And you probably better not have to.
Also, be sure to be strict on certain key principles (avoid shoddy compromise and ensure that he is sincere when he says something):
It is paradoxical, but to keep him, you must be absolutely sure that he does RESPECT you.
For example, require that he meets his responsibilities, starting with the little things: to show when it’s the time for your date, and takes care of you … and that he does not particularly take you for granted.
Open your heart to him, but make sure he is treated with respect, consideration … So, with love
To discover the most common reasons why men pull away (and often put a stop) to their love stories. And of course how to easily avoid this kind of situations happening to you. To your happiness.